Surprises

Last week I went on a short vacation to visit family and old friends on the left coast.  It had been several months since last I'd seen anyone from my old stomping grounds so I was anticipating a trip full of spontaneous gatherings, excessive photos, and generally good vibes.  For the most part that is what I got.  There were a few exceptions including an awkward day with Waru (more on that later), but by my last day in Cali,  I had escaped any large scale drama and thought I was going to be able to leave with a pocket full of joy.  Enter my sister, Pandora. 

Pandora doesn't always intend to cause trouble, but as her name impies, it usually follows her whether she wants it to or not and this vacation (unfortunately) didn't end up being an exception.  BUt, I get ahead of myself.

On my last night I was planning on a nice night with the women in my family; my mom Isis, my youngest sister Confusion, Pandora, and I were all going to be home for dinner.  My brother's Blackbird and Bigger couldn't make it do to some obligations they couldn't get out of, but I'd spoken with both of them earlier that trip and it was all good.  (Look for a future post for explanations to the family's psuedonyms).  All in all, it was shaping up to be a nice farewell dinner until Pandora thought that this would be a perfect to time to invite my father Red.  

Now, one of my New Year's resolutions this year was to reconnect with one person that has drifted out of my life every month.  It could be someone I got into a fight with and never forgave, a friend who moved away that I don't get to see regularly, or that old mentor that used to inspire me that I kept meaning to write.  It seemed like a relatively simple task, but karma consulted with fate and decided to throw me a curve ball.  I didn't anticipate Red making it to this list.

My father and I have neither spoken nor seen each other in 6 years.  Pretty much the entire time I have lived on the east coast he has been nothing more than a ghost.  Ever since he and Isis got divorced when I was a little kid, he has not been actively involved in my life.  Only slipping in and out, sometimes with years in between.  In the last year or two however, he has been trying to reconnect with me and my siblings.

Personally I stopped looking for a father figure a long time ago and came to resent the notion that I should have to make room for him in my life when he felt it was important.   My mom and Pandora have both been advocates of me establishing a relationship with him, but everytime I asked them (and myself) why should I, all I got was blank stares and vague comments that he is my father and that is reason enough.

I am not sorry to say that I harbor a mix of ambivalence and anger.  The man fucked up and instead of being there for me when I really did need him, he disappeared.  I do not feel like I owe him a damn thing.  Some may say this is a selfish stance, but fuck it.  He was pretty damn selfish when he walked away from his family too.  All I am doing is serving as an agent of karma.

I still remember very vividly the last time I saw him before he went on his first hiatus.  Me and Pandora were maybe 10 and 11 years old respectively and we were waiting outside on my front porch for him to pick us up.  In those days I used to worship that man and was a daddy's boy through and through.   Bags packed two nights before, me and Pandora waited on the porch with great anticipation.

We waited all that morning, skipping breakfast because we didn't want to be running late when he showed up.

We waited into the warm afternoon and started to pick through the snacks my mom had packed for us to take over to his house.  Neither of us wanted to leave the porch in case he'd gotten lost and couldn't remember which house was ours.

We waited as the warmth of the day faded into the creeping chill of the evening.   My sister started to shiver a bit, her jacket in the house (why would we need to wear our jackets during the day), so I draped my arm around her to warm her up.  

I could hear my mother at the door looking out on us huddled on the porch steps.  I turned back to face her as she began to speak and the words dried up in her mouth.   She looked at us in silence and turned away, returning a few moments later with a blanket.

We waited until the street lights came on and my sister gave into the rumble in her stomach and went into the house to grab leftovers.

We became I and still I waited.

Little did I know that I would have to wait for years to come.  Wait for the excuse, the apology, the visit, the call, the letter.  Something, anything to explain why.

I waited for years until I forgot why I was waiting.  The image of the man everyone said I resembled began to blur around the edges and I went back into the house, to the people who loved me and didn't make me wait in the dark.

Pandora didn't mean to bring trouble in her wake and perhaps her forced encounter with Red will lead to a reconciliation in the future.  For now, he can take my place on the porch; I am already home and am done waiting for a ride to see the people I love.